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Stop the Women's Decathlon Before it's too Late!

Some people are considering allowing decathlon competitions for women.  Coach Dan Steele with the University of Oregon's track program has even gone so far as to plan a women's decathlon, irresponsibly hiding the inherent dangers to a woman's reproductive system behind a fancy name and cute artwork that promotes the pagan event.  In response to the University of Oregon's subversive, communist actions, and to help stop this movement before it's too late, I have compiled a list of ten dangers for women competing in the decathlon, aided by the input of professionals in every field of sports and science.  The list:
 

10. The women's reproductive system is a fragile, delicate thing. Doctors have proven that the act of spinning, (the same act that a man performs in order to throw the discus,) and the act of going upside down (similar to what men are capable of while vaulting) can cause irreversible harm to the ovaries and the breasts. There is no spinning and upside-downness in the heptathlon; lets keep our women's bodies and the future of humanity safe.

9.  1500 meters is far too long to run with breasts.

8.  Rarely would a woman in the wild been asked to perform hunting duties, as most likely she would have been barefoot and at the fire cooking brontosaurus.   Yet there they are in the Olympics throwing a spear, perhaps the most unnatural thing a woman can do (aside from having an opinion.)  We should eliminate events, not add more.

7.  What fun is going after a record that is possible?  Jackie Joyner Kersee's heptathlon record is right where it should be - forever unattainable.

6.  Real female athletes should not try to vault – they should play beach volleyball, where their bodies will be better appreciated.

5.  The decathlon is for men. Allowing women to compete would be like letting them join a fraternity. Pretty soon we're not going to have any place left for ourselves.  How would they like it if we cooked our own meals and cleaned up the house?

4.  What happens when a woman breaks a nail vaulting? Do they get an extra attempt due to equipment failure? Do they get extra time to file it down? Just thinking about the necessary rule changes is staggering.

3.  There will be no time to attend to your man's needs with all that training.

2.  We already moved you up from five events to seven – you should be happy for what you have.

1.  This kind of thinking could lead to a world where one day women are allowed to vote - or even run for president. 

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Coach Steele, you may like your European track meets and fancy European way of doing things, but in America, we like to keep things just the way they are.  If you want equality for women, go back to Afghanistan.